ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Randomize
