I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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