I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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