Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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