Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
