Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
