oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
