I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
