When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
