I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Randomize
