You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
