I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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