i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
