i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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