I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Let's paint friendship bongs
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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