If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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