just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I cannot find my penis.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
