i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
