My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
