My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
