There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
