Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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