Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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