yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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