Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
