My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I am naked and annoyed.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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