did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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