just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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