need another drink. this is the easiest way
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
