My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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