she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
