I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
