every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
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