Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
