i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize