Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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