The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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