he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
