For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
