apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
