god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
