I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
