Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Randomize
