It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
