the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
