If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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