chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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