somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Randomize
