This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
