turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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