: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
