Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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