Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
