3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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