so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
