just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize