i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize
