"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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