M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
