who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
